Saturday, 22 July 2017

I need a little room to pray, because I'm one step closer to the edge and I'm about to break.





i wrote about depression in my previous entry. wallahi, depression can kill. please, don't say anything rubbish if you never once been there. depression means all you can see is eternal escape -- death. all the doors lead you to just think to die. hope? no, we abandoned it already. 

the past years were hard. i clearly remember how i plead for death because i was so terribly extremely tired. the feeling is like you're drowning in a deep sea. you saw nothing to hold. you saw no one to ask for help. they may think you're fooling around. they may think you're just swimming. well, that's what you think they think. however, it's still hard to reach to people around us. it's not easy to spill the depressing thought out to others even to the closest one. i don't know what we're afraid of. i have no idea why it's so hard to share the deepest feeling which killing you inside and destroyed you once you're out of balance. 

alhamdulillah for me being a muslim. islam is a deen of hope, no doubt. islam gave bilal bin rabah the feeling of being appreciated even though he's a slave. islam gave sumayyah the feeling of being protected even though she's going to be tortured to death. alhamdulillah 'ala hadzihi ni'mah. 

yes, we did feel like giving up life. we did feel like abandoning hope. we feel like leaving everything behind. but, we just can't. the iman inside us won't let us. we may be lost the fights a hundred time but, we just can't give up life. being a muslim, believing in the judgment day is a must. so, knowing the fact dunya isn't permanent, why bother dying for temporary feelings? temporary, yes. even it took me years. still, it's not permanent. akhirah is a guarantee. cutting yourself won't help you get any better. islam forbids us to take other's life (homicide) and your own life (suicide).

if depression is a monster, you need to be your own ultraman. people can help. people do care (for those who care). people can give you motivations. but the one who have to save you is you. only you. hanya kau. sirf tum. anta wahid. people can talk, but you need to do the walk. if you refuse to even get up from the monster bed, it'll kill you, minutes by minutes. it's okay if you die fighting. at least you tried. your death won't be unworthy. 



almost a year i've lived in a situation where i was down at heart and down to earth. depression killed me. until one day i met kak zura by co-incidence. and she told me what i might become if i keep drowning myself in depression. i might be crazy if i continue behaving like that. yes, i know it's not impossible because i admit i was too depressed and i lost hope. after having some talk with kak zura -- i changed. trying to embrace the pain given. and i can feel that i'm happy. i no longer lived in depression and start making peace with الله . redha is not a mere utter, i learn a lot. (( ainum, 2015 ))



i dare to say this because i've been dealing with that monster. and i survived alhamdulillah. hasbunallah wa ni'mal wakīl. no one can bring dead people back to life except for الله . i used 'dead people' because yes, we did feel like a living corpse. we're dying and nobody noticed. so, ask for الله's help. people can judge you for what you feel. and الله for sure the ultimate judge but, الله will help us. الله will bring you up. الله will give you super power to defeat the monster. الله will help you to go through the pain. in the end, along with manage to defeat the monster successfully, depression survivor will gain something more (the best of the best) -- taqarrub billah. you will feel الله's presence more. you will hold onto الله tighter than before. the depression experience will be your best tarbiyah journey. then which of الله's favor would you deny? 

if i can survive, so do you. 💚




today is terribly sad
because chester is not only artist
because linkin park is not only a band
not only a favourite one

linkin park is a company
linkin park is different
that's why the news was hard to accept

i feel like losing someone who's always beside me
and the saddest part is knowing he committed suicide due to depression


"when i'm writing, i'm constantly thinking about myself because it's the only experience i have to draw on. and i don't see an exact reflection of myself in every face in the audience, but i know that my songs have validity to them and that's why the fans are there." - chester bennington


thanks for being there when I had my hard times (and also any-time) when i was a teenager. your screaming comforted me somehow, which until now i have no idea how a scream can be such comforting. and now i'm crying listening to your songs. what have you done, man? 



you will stay in memory
chester bennington
1976 - 2017




Monday, 17 July 2017

yeay for my Ottoman collection


ahlan bik. semalam aku selamat terima parcel poslaju yang isinya adalah serpihan-serpihan kecintaan aku. kali kedua berurusan dengan Ottoman Collective sepanjang mengumpul koleksi barangan 'Uthmāniyyah. harga yang masuk akal dan itemnya memuaskan, alhamdulillah. 





ini purse lama. inilah purse yang aku guna bertahun-tahun. hadiah dari si Asma yang belajar di Jordan. aku kadang-kadang datang sifat mengada hendakkan purse perempuan yang banyak slot yang lawa yang perempuan betul tu. aku seronok order mahal pun tak apa sebab berkenan. tapi sayangnya cuma kurang seminggu - tak serasi. aku pun kasi ibu. aku pakai si unta ni sajalah. senang main letak saja (lepastu seksa belek kad satu-satu). tapi tak apalah, selesa dengan yang cinonet macam ni sebab duit pun bukan ada sangat dalam tu #sadenung #storyofmylife by the way, aku memang tak minat purse perempuan tu tapi aku sangat suka handbag 😍💚 so, #goodluckfuturehusband





nah, sudah tukar yang baru! inilah koleksi terbaru dari Ottoman Collective. original dari Turki. sulamannya kemas, kainnya sedap dipegang dan yang penting jata tu so cool *crying*. RM10 saja harganya. katanya promosi raya. ini pun dapat sebab aku bodek abang ipar. aku tolong order untuk dia sekali, maka upahnya harus diberi! #alwayslikethat #goodbrother #golddiggersister #iknowiknow #pleasedonotremindme #onceagaingoodluckfuturehusband





setakat ini saja yang mampu dikumpul. keychain tugra Sultan Muhammad al-Fatih, keychain dan pin jata Daulah 'Uthmāniyyah dan purse. sebenarnya ada lagi pin dan keychain tapi dah hadiahkan dekat Ustazah Norahida dan Ustazah Nurizan. siapa yang nak menangis kalau dapat benda ni, sememangnya obsesi pada 'Uthmāniyyah itu tinggi. sebab aku masih ingat rupa Ustazah Norahida waktu aku letak benda ni depan dia. aku macam - I know that face :)

apapun, jata Daulah 'Uthmāniyyah kelihatan sangat sempurna. terima kasih pada Tuanku Sultan 'Abdülhamit Han yang telah menyempurnakannya. terima kasih untuk "horcrux" ini yang menolong kami mengenang Tuanku dengan lebih cinta. bārakallahufīka.



berminat untuk dapatkan item-item ini?

nah, contact Encik Wan Man - 0104019664
facebook : Wanman Uthmaniyyah / Ottoman Collective




Friday, 14 July 2017

Tips istiqamah baca al-Mulk setiap malam


If you want some tips to recite al-Mulk every night before sleeping, I gladly will give you one.

disclaimer : i'm not as good as never-once-leave-alMulk but, yes am hardly trying to.



jadi, alkisahnya waktu mak (ibu mertua kakak sulung) berpindah ke sisi Allah, aku banyak termuhasabah. ya, ter. sebab bukan saja-saja nak duduk termenung atas sejadah sambil fikir dosa-dosa. tak, ia datang sendiri - waktu tu. mak meninggal hari Jumaat dengan sangat mudah. mak cuma demam, itu saja. dengan takdir anak sulungnya (abang ipar) memang sedia ada balik kampung (menetap di Kota Kinabalu). jadi, tidaklah kematian mak menyulitkan urusan anaknya untuk pulang ke Besut dengan segera. syukur. cuma anak bongsu mak saja ada di KL. tapi masih tak apa, masih dekat, masih direzekikan kesempatan waktu untuk jumpa mak masa dimandikan. dan aku pun kebetulan balik kampung dari kolej. aku masih di semester empat. 

perpindahan mak sangat memberi kesan pada aku. kami semua rapat. mak suka bercerita dan mak tempat bercerita. mak sangat nakal dan selalu dinakali aku. kalau kemana-mana yang perlukan tidur di hotel, aku yang jadi roommate mak. aku akan lompat-lompat atas katil hotel sambil mak ada di sebelah dan mak akan "holoh serupo abbas (cucu lima tahun) nih". dan favorite line mak pada aku adalah "tolol mung, anum" (kebiasaan ore kelate guna term bengong-tolol-gilo sebagai satu ekspresi mesra). yang tolol inilah yang buat mak terhibur. aku sudah sering sekali ditololi dibengongi oleh sesiapa saja, kurang pasti kenapa tsk.


mana tips al-Mulk ni?

maaflah, kalau dah menulis memang jadi nak merepek lebih-lebih. okay, back to the point. jadi, lepas kematian mak, I was inspired. I was inspired by her perfect shut down (آمين). I adore that beautiful khatimah. mak meninggal hari Jumaat, solat jenazah oleh orang-orang soleh insyaAllah. ramai gila. aku tengok perkarangan surau penuh (or is it a mosque am not sure statusnya masa tu). dekat tanah perkuburan pun ramai. yang jauh-jauh solat jenazah ghaib. it felt alive. 

so, starting from her death, I really wanted to know --
"mak, is it hurt? how it feels like when dying?"


aku takut nak tidur. rasa macam kematian tu bila-bila masa saja (baru sedar). bodohnya aku, benda dah maklum tapi aku selalu lupa. aku macam -- "what if I won't wake up in the morning?". the thought scared me to death. siapa yang tak takut untuk mati dalam keadaan kita tahu kita amal tak cukup, dosa tak terampun lagi. 

so, what is the solution?

aku nampak al-Mulk. fadhilat amalnya yang boleh membantu di alam barzakh. jadi, aku mula baca. tidaklah sebelum ni aku langsung tak baca. bukan setiap malam dibaca, tak konsisten. jadi, setiap malam aku akan bertempur dengan diri yang malas - "baca al-Mulk atau kau akan menyesal". yes, I was blackmailed by myself. or the truth is, it's a blackmail from Allah. ugutan dan amaran yang hadafnya adalah untuk membantu aku yang terlalu banyak dosa supaya di alam sana nanti - tidaklah sengsara.



Nak kenal Allah kenalah menyelami surah al-Mulk kerana surah ini menceritakan tentang Allah. Dengan ayat-ayatnya, kita berdakwah kepada manusia dengan memperkenalkan Allah kepada mereka. Ianya menceritakan tentang kehebatan Allah. Ia juga tentang alam. Allah suruh kita lihat alam ini supaya kita ingat kepada kekuasaan Allah, supaya tunduk dan akur kepada-Nya dengan penuh kehambaan. Takut untuk bermaksiat dan menderhaka kerana di hujungnya ada azab. Para sahabat r.a akan menangis ketika membaca ayat-ayat dari surah ini yang berkaitan dengan neraka berulang-ulang kali. Seolah-olah jelas sekali mereka nampak gawang api neraka dan ngaumannya dalam surah ini. Moga kolam airmata kita tidak pernah kering ketika menatap surah ini. 
(( Ustazah Wahibah Tahir ))



there is no problem with no solution. there is no question with no answer. with Allah, everything's well-scripted. tak mudah nak istiqamah beramal. tapi paksalah diri kalau sedar diri banyak dosa. nak baca al-Mulk dengan harapan semoga adalah pertolongan di alam sana. sebab tak pasti tidur kali ni boleh bangun lagi tak esok pagi. sebab kita suka tangguh taubat dengan tak-apalah-esok-ada-lagi.


untuk usaha konsisten membaca al-Mulk setiap malam, istiqamahkan bertanya pada diri sendiri setiap malam --

"what if I don't wake up tomorrow while I still don't seek for Allah's forgiveness for my infinity sins?"


panjang ya? tak sempat tangkap? okay, aku kasi pendek --

"what if I don't wake up tomorrow?"


panjang lagi? okaylah.

"what if I die?" 


dok pehe? okay okay.

"wey kalu mati kekgi gano weyyy?"



-- of course we'll die. we will die. 

the question helps a lot. and the answer is the ultimate shot. I get scared. so will you, insyaAllah. 


dear readers, may we see each other in the highest jannah -- آمين